After witnessing a great film at the cinema there’s always an animated buzz in the lobby as groups of friends congregate to spout their favourite quotes of the film to each other or discuss unexpected plot twists. Like a great concert it can suddenly-albeit briefly- make best friends out of complete strangers as the communal elation of a shared experience can now be gushed and fawned over with crowds who all share the same opinion.
On the edge of these festivities though you inevitably find that one prick who just has to go against the grain and take a huge dump in the punch bowl that everyone was enjoying.
Thats generally me.
I’m the guy you’ll see with his arms folded, shaking his head, yelling at his friends how their enjoyment is wrongly founded because it’s at a crossroads with my opinion.
Though it’s terrifically acted, the creaky plot mechanics of ‘American Hustle’ has me bewildered as to why it’s being lauded as a modern heist classic. How can Kathryn Bigelow who responsible for the idiotically entertaining ‘Point Break’ make the hunt for Osama Bin Laden as much fun as a rectal examination? And just take a look at my ‘Worst of 2013’ list to find my opinion on Les Mis.
I’ve collated a list here of the top 5 incidents of the past 5 years where the moviegoing masses, the critics and my fellow film aficionados have exalted the emperors fine garb when I’m afraid he’s really just stark bollock naked.
5. Pacific Rim
First of all, what kind of asshole names their film ‘Pacific Rim.’ Just try and say it aloud right now without sniggering. It’s impossible isn’t it? You’d think somewhere along the way a producer, one of the actors, hell even a runner might’ve stuck his hand in the air and said “Excuse me…Mr Del Toro?…umm the title…well it kind of shares it’s name with a series of gay porno films…*cough*…so there’s that…”
Terrible title aside I don’t have issue with about 20 minutes of the film when big shiny robots clash with gigantic scaly monsters, it’s the other hour and fifty minutes when we have to deal with Charlie Hunnam (who’s outlaw schtick works great in Sons of Anarchy) here has all the appeal of an anemic gnat. The normally effortlessly charismatic Idris Elba gives his worst performance to date. There’s some completely unnecessary load of tripe about how it takes two people to run the robots because you need seperate people for each side of the brain and…YAWN… I’m boring myself.
For what felt like the entire running time I just kept think “GET BACK TO THE FUCKING MONSTERS ALREADY.”
4. Midnight in Paris
You have to admire the work ethic of a guy approaching his 80th birthday who still manages to churn out a film annually. Unfortunately the quality of his scripts is somewhat less than stellar and I’m afraid that they can’t all be a return to form.
With the ridiculous amount of pressure he puts on himself it’s no wonder over 90% of his output (Blue Jasmine aside) from the past 20 years has felt rushed, derivative and stale as if he’d already given up on the script before moving into to his next one. I would much rather wait 2-3 years for something of real virtue to come through as opposed to the annual middling offering we’re currently getting.
For some reason this half baked script which felt like the first draft offering of a first year film student won the 2012 academy award for ‘Best Original Screenplay.’ The idea of a writer going back in time to meet his idols to find out that they were plagued by the same insecurities and challenges of any writer is undoubtedly an intriguing premise but the execution of this felt incredibly botched.
The hoky, inevitable ending sentiment ‘Just be glad in whatever time you’re in’ left me feeling about as inspired as an episode of ‘Oprah.’
3. Argo
So the big chinned, slack jawed dingus that is Ben Affleck grew a beard and proved he wasn’t totally incompetent as a director. It’s a half decent thriller but the amount of praise that was lauded on this film really sticks in my craw.
Maybe compared to turkey’s like ‘Gigli’ and ‘DareDevil’ and the general persona he put out when he was the turd on J Lo’s arm, ‘Argo’ is pretty remarkable. Stack it up against against any nondescript thriller of the past few years and it doesn’t particularly stand out.
Theres also the whole issue of dramatizing a true story by racketing up tension that didn’t actually take place (ie. being stopped at the airport as they left Iran ‘ WILL THEY OR WONT THEY GET OUT I JUST DONT KNOW!)
John Goodman and Alan Arkin do have some funny not least of which is “ArgoFuckYourself” which will be the inevitable response that the huge number of fans of this will throw at me.
2. Skyfall
Right off the bat I’ll say that I’ve never really been a huge fan of this smarmy agent who seems to be able to bed women by doing nothing more than ordering himself a weak martini at the bar.
“Oh C’mon man you’ve got to check out the new Daniel Craig ones, they’ve completely reinvented him. They’ve toned down the hamminess and gone for a really gritty feel this time.” Oh have they now?
While Casino Royale was an undeniable step up from the tail end of Pierce Brosmans run, for me it still felt like the same old thing.
But Skyfall was to coincide with with the 50th anniversary of the franchise! It had Sam Mendes one of my favourite British directors behind it! Javier Bardem as the villain! Endless critics saying this is perhaps Bonds best EVER outing. I couldn’t miss this one. Pshh. I should’ve just stayed home and watched ‘American Beauty’ again.
It has an incredible opening with a gunfight on top of a speeding train but things quickly descend from there. Judi Dench as M aside, the two central female characters are as memorable as the last time you had to scrape all the crumbs from the bottom of your toaster.
Javier Bardem has a few good moments but Mendes keeps him off screen for far too long. I like a slow build up to the villain pulling the strings but it’s past the hour mark until he makes an appearance. His whole persona and scheme just felt like reheated leftover from Nolan’s Joker in ‘The Dark Knight.’ Good god, he MEANT to get caught!
And then there’s the whole ‘Home Alone’ montage in Scotland as they prepare for the showdown. Shame they weren’t as inventive as Macaulay Culkin.
1. Silver Linings Playbook
Once I start a film, particularly at the cinema I’m usually able to stick it out till the end but this contrived, sentimental hunk of garbage took every ounce of my willpower not to get the hell out of there.
When I heard Claudia Winkleman state that this is the kind of film that “Makes you want to phone up your family and friends and tell them how you love them” I should’ve just put it down and backed away slowly.
Bradley Coopers wife cheats on him which makes him super sad so he has to be institutionalised for 8 months. He wants to win her back and isn’t he so cute and quirky jogging around the neighbourhood wearing a bin bag for no fucking reason at all. But what’s this? There’s a girl on the scene who has a similar damaged past who went off the rails and is also incredibly good looking?
I smell a bad rom com. But hey since they’re both “crazy” they can reel this crap off as oscar worthy.
And the whole schmaltzy sentiment of ‘Hey guys, deep down we’re all a little crazy aren’t we?” illustrated by the less than subtle fact that Robert De Niro has to have the remote facing a certain way when he’s watching football for superstitions sake just rang hollow to me.
By the time this putrid dross descends to ‘High School Musical’ in the third act the silver lining of the exit door should be pretty damn appealing.
Film Reviews for the Dazed and Confused 